


seasons

by thunderylee



Category: Good Charlotte
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, M/M, POV First Person, Twincest, Unrequited Love, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-27
Updated: 2005-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-08 01:45:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12854058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: Benji reflects on his past with Joel.





	seasons

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck.

I’d like to say that I don’t remember how it happened, that it just _happened_ and our lives were forever changed, but that type of shit only happens in the cheesy romance novels they sell at the supermarket. I’d also like to say that it was perfect, flawless, that I lost my mind and saw stars and was left breathless and wanting more, but we both know that didn’t happen.

I remember _everything_ , even if you don’t anymore.

It was fucking cold that day, despite being almost May. I remember this because your lips were chapped, and I was highly aware of them when I kissed you. It wasn’t a bad kiss – definitely better than the one you had earlier that day – but no fireworks went off behind my eyes and I had no urge to throw you down on your bed and ravish you retarded. It was just a kiss, a brother helping out his twin.

At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

You were quick to agree to my ‘assistance’, always so naive when it came to things like this. You honestly thought I was just helping you recover from the disaster that was your first kiss. It never crossed your mind that maybe it was something I _wanted_ to do, something I had been wanting to do for years, and that day posed the perfect opportunity to finally fulfill my wish without an awkward aftermath or a declaration of my un-brotherly feelings.

However, when your lips touched mine, chapped and all, it only made things worse. I may not have lost my mind, but I did lose something that day – my heart. Cheesy as it may sound, I fell in love when I was only sixteen years old. With _you_ , Joel; it’s always been you.

> ~*~* _Summer_ *~*~

We were so bored that summer. You’d think having crappy jobs and putting together our band would keep us busy more days than not, but really, we were fucking bored. Our schedules hardly ever coincided with Billy’s or Paul’s, but for some reason you and I usually had days off together.

Nothing eventful happened until August, when it should have been hot and sunny but instead the skies opened up and suddenly poured down on us as we were lounging around being lazy asses at the park by Billy’s house. It was the middle of the day, yet the angry clouds concealed the sun and made it feel like dusk. We were soaked before we knew it and you said there was no point trying to run for cover; we were already wet and the storm would probably pass over soon.

We lay on our backs as the rain pounded down, staring silently into the darkness and feeling every rumble of thunder and flash of lightning. I got a chill and shivered, and before I could swear at the unpleasant feeling your arm was around me and your face was nuzzled in my shoulder.

I didn’t say anything; I didn’t have to. I turned my head to face you and you looked up at me with big eyes. You were always crap at hiding your true feelings, and this time was no exception. I kissed you without a second thought and you tightened your hold on me, pulling me closer towards you. Our hands roamed underneath our rain-soaked T-shirts to knead shoulder blades and back muscles as our tongues languidly sought each other out.

We stayed like that for God knows how long – minutes? Hours? – until the rain stopped and the skies cleared and we were left with our bodies intertwined together on the soft grass in the broad daylight. You rolled over first and cleared your throat forcefully before jumping up and declaring something or another you had just pulled out of your ass that required you to leave _right then_.

I watched you walk away, knowing good and well that this wouldn’t be the last time. It was that thought that kept me hopeful for all of these years, knowing you would come back to me somehow, someway, because it was that day that you gave me your heart.

> ~*~* _Fall_ *~*~

Touring was brutal, much like a swift kick in the balls for a year and a half straight. We couldn’t _not_ do it, though; with as hard as we worked to be heard, far be it for any of us to deny our fans a chance to see us live. It was almost surreal, performing on stage night after night in front of all those screaming kids, singing the songs we wrote from our hearts and displaying our emotions for the whole world to hear.

I had learned on the Warped Tour that touring is much like going to Vegas – what happens there _stays_ there. What happens backstage/on the bus/in the hotel room _stays_ there and is never spoken of again. I will never forget how pissed off you were when you caught me in bed with Tony Lovato, ironically enough in the most compromising position imaginable, but true to the rules of touring we never spoke of it. This time, though, it was just us – our band, out promoting our second album – and despite the hard work and lack of sleep, we were having the time of our lives.

It was the end of October when we performed in our hometown, and we were all feeling quite nostalgic. We didn’t have time to stick around and reminisce, but we only had a few months left before the tour was over and we could finally relax. It was fucking cold that night in Baltimore, and the other guys had left us alone after sensing we were emo about something. We must have sat on that uncomfortable bunk for an hour before you closed the gap between us, lowering me down to the mattress and covering my body with yours from head to toe.

It was your first time with a man, but you followed my directions well and had me begging and pleading for more. You were a gentle lover, and out of all the people I’ve ever been with I’d have to say you are the only one I could say I ‘made love’ with. Afterwards, you remained on top of me, holding me with trembling arms and breathing hard into my chest as I ran my fingers through your sweat-slicked hair and kissed any part of you that my lips could reach.

I didn’t tell you I love you; I didn’t have to.

I knew that would be the last time.

> ~*~* _Winter_ *~*~

I still can’t believe you’re getting married. Even as I stand next to you at the alter, watching your beautiful bride glide elegantly down the aisle in front of our families and a bunch of media people we don’t know, I can’t help but think this is some sort of joke. That any minute now you’ll turn to me with a big shit-eating grin on your face and yell, “Gotcha!” And everyone will cheer and applaud when you take me in your arms and kiss me deeply, marrying me instead of her.

As if that was even _possible_. We’re brothers, twins even. Our mother would disown us; our fans would turn against us. The only people that know what has happened between us is you and me, and I know we both plan on taking it to the grave. Nobody else could ever understand how we feel about each other. It’s really for the best that you are marrying her; I like her. She will be good to you. And she’s busy with her own business, which will leave plenty of time for you to devote to our band… and to me.

I feel a smile creep onto my face and you choose that moment to cast a sideways glance at me. The corners of your lips lift in a smirk, and I wonder if you’re reading my mind. You probably are; you were always good at that. Or you could be thinking back to last night when the other guys agreed that it should just be you and me at your bachelor party.

I was wrong. It will never be the last time. That was made blatantly obvious when you asked me to make love to you last night. It was the first time either one of us had spoken during our trysts, and it was like a dam exploded in both of us and suddenly we couldn’t shut up. You said you love me, and I said it back. You said she would never compare to me. You said you don’t know why you waited so long, that you wish we could be together for real, that it’s not fair. You promised to find a way to be with me whenever you could, and everything would be all right.

I told you to shut up, and you did. We fell asleep in each other’s arms and I woke to the sight of you clinging onto me. I watched you sleep for a moment before shaking you awake; after all, today was the big day. I wish we could have stayed like that forever, but the world doesn’t stop for two star-crossed lovers.

So here I stand, facing your back, listening to you and your bride exchange vows. I don’t have to imagine that you are saying them to me because you’ve already been honoring them our entire lives. Instead, my gaze drifts out the stained-glass windows to where the snow is falling dutifully towards the earth, creating some sort of winter wonderland in which you will no doubt hurl a snowball at me the minute we get outside.

And when you come back from your honeymoon and she goes back to making her movie, I’ll return the favor.


End file.
